Getting Retarded: How to Throw an Integral Party

This is in response to Dan Allison's "integrals are social retards" post, which
was in response to the party I was getting pumped for two posts
previous to this. Do blogs get tedious? Yes they do.

1. Abandon all notions that you or anyone you know are on the leading
edge of anything even if the party happens to be thrown in Abe
Maslow's daughter's house (which this one was). It is not the purpose
of a party to push the leading edges of consciousness, unless someone
has just invented a brand new hallucinogen and wants to try it out on
everyone. At a party we DEVOLVE, or as Fred Kofman might put it, we
sink down to the bottom of the pool so that we might later push off
from it in order to get our heads even farther about the surface. The
vajrayana kids might call this "the law of
inversion", wherein formally taboo passions (to the practicing
Buddhist at least) such as sexual pleasure, fear, hate, and loathing
are transformed into their opposite via the mystical processes of
tantra. Imagine doing this in one night!

2. Make a list of all the social taboos, nasty passions, and super
vices you'd like to break that night, then have a "decadence treasure
hunt" where teams attempt to beat each other out in accruing the
necessary "sin points". One might be to start a fistfight between
friends. Another might be to engage in some form of sexual activity for
all to see. A third might be to devour an unusual concoction of food,
such as spaghetti covered in Pop Tarts, Fruit Loops, and cum. Cars
could get keyed. Demonic spirits summoned. This would/should occupy the
first half of the party.

3. The second half of the party is for repentence, forgiveness, and
kundalini transformation. After everyone's ethical awareness has been
blown wide the fuck open, sincere attempts are made to heal all wounds
and gain superior wisdom from the proceedings. This is done through a
mutual embracing circle of dialogue, preferably with the help of a
"peace pipe" (er, bowl).

4. Music: always best when made collectivity (rather than just being
bludgeoned by a single DJ). Drums, ukeles, fifes, guitars, trombones,
slide whistles, triangles, singing, clapping, tonal boasting, harmonic
tantrayana arguments. All participants compose a "march and fight"
theme song which grounds that nights wisdom within the social
institution of a pattern of repeatable noise. We suspect this is how
some of the best Irish drinking songs began.

5. Promotion: PLEASE remember to take pictures. The party
"follow-through" is just as important as the party itself. Assign a
"party reporter", much the way a court assigns a stenographer. Take
copious notes, to be used for purposes of blackmail in the near future
(yet another vice/taboo to be broken later on-- have you ever been
"ironically blackmailed"?). Audio and video are also a must. Then put
up a cheap blog site, and enter this all into your blog.
PAssword-protect as necessary.

6. Rinse, repeat.

Personally I think it's silly to expect too much from a last-minute
graduation party attended by one's co-workers, most of whom are in
their tired late 20s. Parties such as these need a mutually-agreed upon
"instigator" or "party leader", who in autocratic fashion directs the
night's multifarious, poly-decadent proceedings from behind a
jewel-encrusted "AQAL" pimp cup. We wonder who might take up the
challenge....